I faked an abortion last night.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
