Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
