dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
