rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
