her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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