at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
love makes seman taste better
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
