Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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