Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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