At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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