My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
