i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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