i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
