you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
