So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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