Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
