Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
