I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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