Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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