How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
