i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
