he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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