question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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