I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
