If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
