You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
