He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
