Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
