Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
