I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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