Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
