Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize