I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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