He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
