20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize