phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
