Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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