Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
