my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
