oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
