I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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