then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
