my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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