Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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