My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
