i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my sisters under your porch take her home
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
