he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize