So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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