You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
