I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
