She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
