If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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