I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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