Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
