well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My ass is underappreciated
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
